Perfectionism

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Responsible Selfishness

The Danger Of Knowing Too Much

Published by helse on 21/06/2022

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Perfectionism

All extremes are bad

Perfection is an unattainable goal, an impossibility, a utopia. The perfect is something that has completed its development, something that has no more potential for improvement or growth; therefore it does not exist in what has life.

Perfectionism

Psychologically, as a perfectionist, you are motivated by the same fear as always, carried within you since childhood: of not being accepted and loved by others. You feel unconsciously very insecure; You do not know how to receive criticism without feeling hurt or becoming defensive, you believe that a mistake is something unforgivable and that to obtain recognition you have to be perfect in everything. Thus, you live with extreme demands on yourself and others.

It is very likely that your mother or father, or both, or some other significant adult, were perfectionists. Therefore, you never learned to relax or enjoy your life. That means that you have always felt unhappy and frustrated. Your permanent tension still continues to produce negative stress, not only for you, but also for the people around you.

Perfectionism

Maybe you're not a perfectionist, but I'm sure you've been to a perfectionist's house. The order and neatness there make you think that you are in a furniture store. Even though four children live there, not a single toy can be seen anywhere. They are to be found in the children's room, all neatly arranged on their shelves. The only thing missing from making it look like a toy store are the price tags.

In children, the obsessive demand for the perfect order by adults causes two possible reactions: either they adapt, becoming submissive and “super-orderly”, or they rebel, becoming increasingly messy and lazy. Whatever is the case, perfectionism causes emotional damage. That's why my advice to those who can't stand any mess is: either to not have children at all, or to do something about your perfectionism before you have any.

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It is obvious that we all need some order and discipline in our home. And we need it, because it is better for our children. They need structure to feel safe. But don't be a perfectionist, neither with order, nor with manners, nor with school or sports results.

Children don't have "order" in their brain yet, so don't you think it's exaggerated to demand that they act like soldiers in the military barracks? Winning the competition or getting the best grade in school is always the goal, but it can't always be achieved. In addition, it is very important for a happy life to learn to "lose" with dignity.

Additionally, the fact that your son or daughter get the best grades in school, does not guarantee that he or she will be happy as an adult. The opposite may happen, because with your persecution and extreme demands, your children will feel permanently pressured and will develop a deep anxiety, as they will learn that "love must be earned by being perfect." And this belief will have a negative impact on all of their future professional and personal relationships.

Perfectionism

In this way, children do not learn to love themselves. It may be that they achieve great professional and economic success, but they will have a strong nervousness and discomfort inside for the rest of their lives. Due to their lack of self-esteem they will also have little capacity to create constructive relationships. Their happiness will be very limited.

Tips to stop being a perfectionist:

• Admit that you suffer from perfectionism.

• Admit mistakes (your own and those of others) – despite the discomfort – and notice how you relax when you learn to accept them.

• Remind yourself every day that you are worthy of love regardless of your achievements and results.

• Make a mental reprogramming, trying to consider your mistakes as sources of new knowledge. • Try not to repeat the same mistake.

• Develop friendship with yourself. Learn to recognize and praise yourself and others every day.

• If nothing works, seek professional help.

Do you realize that self-esteem is essential for a happy life?

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©2022 Jan Moller

helse

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