Psychotherapy: Powerful Tool for Growth and Well-Being
04/06/2022Perfectionism
21/06/2022 Responsible Selfishness
The art of setting limits
In the post on the Universal Law of Balance we saw that health and well-being largely depend on our abilities to satisfy our multiple needs in a balanced way.
It is not possible to achieve a balanced satisfaction of our needs unless we have the inner strength, both to ask for what we need, and to say "no" to what we do not want, being RESPONSIBLY SELFISH.
The term “Responsible Selfishness” seems contradictory, but it indicates a behavior that obeys the Law of Balance. It represents the balance between two extremes: between asking/receiving and giving, or between extreme selfishness on the one hand, and excessive responsibility and sacrifice on the other. Both are due to lack of self-esteem.
Because of their low self-esteem, egoists want everything for themselves in order to feel important and hide their inferiority complex. They only demand and receive, and almost never give anything to anyone. They do not respect the limits or the rights of others, and think that their own needs are always the most important. Their are not interested in other people or they needs.
Extremely responsible people do the opposite: they only give and almost never ask for anything. They believe they have no right to have needs or that the needs of others are much more important than their own. They do not know how to define or declare their limits and are afraid to say "no" when someone asks them for a favor. They unconsciously harbor the child´s fear of not being accepted and loved if they don´t satisfy the expectations of others.
Due to this dependence on the approval of others, people who do not know how to say “no” allow themselves to be manipulated and abused, both in the family and at work. They are the “rescuers” who, apart from their own exaggerated load of responsibilities and commitments, they constantly assume responsibilities and commitments that belong to others. Their life becomes a crippling sacrifice and often end i depression, burnout and disease.
Responsible selfishness is a manifestation of high self-esteem. It's called assertiveness. It is putting into practice the wisdom love your neighbor as yourself. It is the behavior of the person who knows his needs and his limits, and who is not afraid to express them. At the same time, he maintains a sensitivity to the needs and limits of others, and knows when it is necessary to show flexibility and modify or waive his own demands.
The responsible egoist says, "Sometimes for me, but not always for me, and sometimes for you, but not always for you either. Sometimes I am number one, and sometimes you are number one. I take care of myself because I love myself. If I don't take care of myself, I won't have anything to give to others." It also says: "I have the right to say ´no´, without feeling guilty" and "I don´t have to please everybody".
With responsible selfishness you try to :
• Create a balance between your own satisfaction and that of others
• Be compassionate, but also sincere
• Confront and eliminate manipulative roles, both your own and those of others
• Support the welfare of others, without assuming responsibility for it
• Eliminate guilt
• Take responsibility in all areas of your own life
In his book “When I say no, I feel guilty”, Manuel S. Smith defines our basic rights as assertive people:
I have the right to:
• Be my own judge
• Not give reasons or excuses to justify my behavior
• Define my own responsibility for other people's problems
• Change my mind
• Make mistakes and be responsible for them
• Say “I don't know”
• Act without the approval of others
• Make non-logical decisions
• Say “I don't understand”
• Say “I don't care”
• Refuse requests without feeling guilty
• Not worrying about what others think of me
• Be heard
• Be happy
Knowing that we have these rights does not mean that we must always apply them. To say, for example, "I don't care" at any time, would be extremely selfish. Therefore, as responsible selfish people, let us handle our rights responsibly, taking into account other´s limits and needs, and the circumstances.
Do you realize that self-esteem is essential for a happy life?
Don't forget to follow me on
Facebook Linkedin
©2022 Jan Moller
Optimized by Seraphinite Accelerator
