The Inner Child

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Why We Struggle to Follow ´The Golden Rule´

When the Body Speaks Up – Stress, Coping and Pain

Published by helse on 18/03/2025

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Why We Struggle to Follow 'The Golden Rule' (2)

'The Inner Child’
If we want to understand why we are not able to create a society that reflects the values of ‘The Golden Rule’, I find the concept of “the inner child” very useful.

The idea of the "inner child" comes from psychology. It suggests that we all carry memories from our childhood inside us. These memories live in our unconscious mind as emotional experiences, often without us realizing it.

This inner child shapes much of our adult behavior, especially how we feel and connect with others. By understanding and working with our inner child in a safe setting, like therapy, we can heal old emotional pain.

With the help of therapy, it becomes easier for us to live by ´The Golden Rule´. When we process childhood wounds and develop a kinder and more understanding relationship with ourselves, our ability to meet others with the same warmth increases. Those who have met their own inner child with empathy will often find it easier to meet the vulnerability of others without judgment.

The inner child reflects our true nature—what some call our "essence." This shows up in traits of a healthy child: curiosity, openness, honesty, sensitivity, imagination, energy, freedom, trust, bravery, and a deep ability to love. So, the healthier our inner child becomes, the more these traits will be part of our way of being as adults.

our true self

Our True Self

The Child’s Emotional Brain
As children, because of the way our brain develops, we are primordially emotional beings. We understand and interpret the world, ourselves and everything that happens to us in an emotional and illogical way because our intellectual capacities are still very limited. Here are some examples:

• Try to ask a three-year-old child, who has a brother, whether he has a brother. Of course he will tell you “Yes, I have a brother.” Then ask him if his brother has a brother. The most likely answer will be: “No, I have a brother, but I don’t know if he does.”

• In a divorce, children often blame themselves for the family splitting up. This is not logical. It is a misinterpretation of reality, but children feel that way. We can see the same phenomenon when a sibling dies. They feel guilty for being the one still alive.

• If parents work long hours, a logical thought might be, “See how my parents love me, working so hard to give me and my brothers what we need. I understand that they cannot be with me because they need to work a lot to earn enough money.” But small children’s brain is not sufficiently well developed to think logically like this. Their emotional perception of reality makes them feel unloved and abandoned, and they decide “They do not love me because I am not good enough.”

Children

The ‘Emotional Memory’
The above helps us to understand that because of their cerebral immaturity, small children interpret life in a completely different manner than older children and adults. For that reason, many of the things that parents say and do out of love can be damaging for their future. The reason is that the children’s misinterpretations do not disappear.

Perceptions such as “they do not love me because I am not good enough” are stored in the emotional memory (the inner child), and from there they will invisibly influence the way someone behaves their whole life —unless they address it.

Patterns Across Generations
Although there are exceptions, history tends to repeat itself. When we study the human interaction that predominates in different families, we can confirm that many of the same attitudes and behavior patterns are repeated from generation to generation. Sons grow up to be a lot like their fathers, and daughters will show traits that resemble those of their mothers.

If you have children, you may have noticed that some of your reactions toward them seem very much like the behavior of your father or mother toward you, despite the fact that you may have decided a long time ago that you were not going to act like that. And if you have experience of living with a partner, you have surely shown behavior patterns that you observed between your parents, especially in situations of stress or conflict.

This social heritage is for me the ‘original sin’. Parents with unhealed wounds tend to create the same emotional struggles for their kids, repeating the cycle. Behavior patterns are stored unconsciously in our emotional memory and on many occasions, especially in those relating to emotional situations, it is not the “rational adult” that is acting or reacting, but the inner child.

A simple logic prevails in all of this. The inner child pulls us toward what feels familiar, even if it hurts. It’s like it wants to prove old beliefs true, such as “No one loves me” or “I’m worthless”.

People raised around alcohol abuse or violence might later pick partners who act the same way, without even knowing why. That shows how much childhood shapes who we become and how we relate to others.

upset kids

THE EMOTIONAL PAIN OF OUR INNER CHILD IS THE ROOT CAUSE OF WHY WE STRUGGLE TO TREAT OTHERS AS WE WOULD LIKE TO BE TREATED.

UNICEFs report from last year (2024) called "The State of World’s Children", shows that we are not improving. Our civilization is adding more and more emotional pain to children, and so the negative charge of the collective emotional memory of humanity is constantly increasing.

Unicef report

Here are 3 quotes from the report:

• ‘Approximately 1.2 billion children worldwide are subjected to corporal punishment at home. This form of violent discipline is prevalent even among the youngest children, with nearly 400 million children under 5 years old—about 6 in 10—regularly experiencing psychological aggression or physical punishment at home’.

• ‘Harmful social norms continue to perpetuate these practices, as slightly more than 1 in 4 mothers and primary caregivers believe that physical punishment is necessary to raise and educate children properly’.

• Over 370 million women and girls worldwide—almost one in eight—experience sexual violence before turning 18. When including non-contact forms of sexual violence, such as unwanted sexual jokes or exposure to pornography, this rate rises to one in five. The report emphasizes that most cases occur during teenage years, often perpetrated by someone known to the victim in environments that should be safe.

Imagen1c

When we live by the Golden Rule, we embody “Love thy neighbour as thyself.” But self-love is learned in early childhood. If, during this time, we experience events or relationships that make us feel unsafe keeping our hearts open, we disconnect from the source of love within us. We are born radiating divine light, with an immense capacity for love, but when keeping our hearts open becomes too painful, we lock it away behind a protective wall.

With few exceptions, those who commit harmful acts grew up in an environment of fear, repression, and obedience—one that failed to teach them self-love. Perhaps someone loved them, but they never felt loved. And here’s something important to understand:

THE LACK OF ATTENTION AND AFFECTION CAN BE JUST AS DAMAGING TO OUR SELF-WORTH AND SELF-LOVE AS PHYSICAL OR SEXUAL ABUSE.

People who’ve been through trauma often grow into adults who cause harm, especially in positions of power. In a way, they’re giving back to the world what they got—without even realizing it.

This unconscious payback doesn’t stir any feelings in them because their ability to care about others’ pain is switched off. Their empathy and sensitivity to the suffering of others have been shut down, leaving them emotionally numb. They don’t feel guilt either; it’s buried behind that same protective wall.

So-called ‘bad people’ act the way they do because they’ve lost touch with who they really are. They can’t love others or follow ‘The Golden Rule’ because they don’t know how to love themselves. And why? Because no one ever showed them what it feels like to be truly loved.

Most of us, even with caring parents or teachers, end up with a hurt sense of self-worth. We have replaced our true self with a version of ourselves that fits what others expect, that is, with a false self, or ‘personality’.

Healing the inner child helps us to let go of the mask of our personality and express who we essentially are. Then it becomes natural and easy to practice ‘The Golden Rule’.

Unhealed emotional wounds make us more vulnerable to reacting defensively or aggressively—often without understanding why. Psychotherapy can help us distinguish between the past and the present, so that we are less likely to project old traumas or expectations onto others. This creates space for fairer, kinder, and more considerate behavior.

Healing makes us feel safer within ourselves and more aware of our own needs and boundaries—and, in turn, of others’. When we are no longer governed by old patterns, it becomes easier to act respectfully and responsibly in relationships. Treating others the way we wish to be treated then becomes not just an idealistic principle, but a natural expression of emotional balance.

If you feel the need to heal the emotional pain from your childhood, and want to know more about the therapeutic process, click HERE.

I invite you to check out my book: “Self-Discovery: The Challenging Path To A Fulfilling Life”

You might also want to consider my audio course on the app Insight Timer:
“Breaking Free From A Culture Of Fear, Guilt And Shame”

I offer individual consultations online.
More information HERE.
Book a free session HERE

©2025 Jan Moller

Why We Struggle to Follow ‘The Golden Rule’ (2). If we want to understand why we are not able to create a society that reflects the values of ‘The Golden Rule’, I find the concept of “The Inner Child” very useful.

helse

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