The Dependency on Other People - Dr. Jan Moller

Loading ...

Self-Esteem and Change Management

Psychotherapy: Powerful Tool for Growth and Well-Being

Published by helse on 28/05/2022

Categories

Uncategorized

Tags

The Dependency on Other People

The Psychology of Change (3)

In the previous blog we saw how, when we suffer from low self-esteem, we anchor our sense of security in something external. The most common external "hooks" are money, power, status, material things, routines, other people and the absolute truth. As we hold on to these “hooks”, they become dependencies or attachments that limit our ability to adapt to many of life's inevitable changes.

ADDICTION TO A PARTNER
In the previous blog we analyzed the dependency on our daily routines. Now let's consider another hook, perhaps even more common: dependency on other people. For example, the exaggerated attachment to a partner. Although the following example uses the insecure man, a woman with low self-esteem can show the exact same behavior. Sounds extreme, but it happens frequently: as a man with low self-esteem, I say to my partner: “oh, my love, you are the reason for my life and I cannot live without you”.

henri-pham-CLSRxisaf7E-unsplash

It sounds very romantic, right? But what am I saying? Am I so insecure that I can't live without her? Of course not, because I lived alone for many years before I met her. In other situations, like when we fight, I say things to her like: “if you leave me, I will kill myself and it will be your fault”.

Because of my insecurity I am also an extremely controlling and jealous man. "Where were you? and why didn't you call me? and with that skirt you will not go out alone”. When my wife wants to go on a diet, I tell her: “no, no, my love it is not necessary. Chubby and plump as you are is how I like it. No need for any diet, my love."

Why am I sabotaging my wife's diet? The reason is that with the possibility of her becoming more attractive I feel more insecure. I can´t bear the thought of other men looking at her and desiring her. I might loose her! I have to avoid it!

The Dependency on Other People

MEN'S FEAR OF WOMEN
The main reason why men for millennia has oppressed women, is a deep unconscious fear men have towards women. Deep down, men feel inferior to women. That is why, in order to deceive themselves and others, they have created the paradigm that women are weak and inferior. But the ancient Chinese knew the truth: the female sex is the strongest.

According to the ancient Chinese, women´s superior strength is rooted in their sexuality, and the superior power of female sexuality can be observed in a women's ability to have multiple orgasms and to give birth. Faced with this biological reality, men feel unconsciously inferior, and that is why they try to control women by mistreating them, or forcing them to stay at home (in the kitchen), or covering them with clothing when they go out on the street, or excluding them form power in the society. All macho behavior are expressions of the same male inferiority complex.

The Dependency on Other People

DEPENDENCY BETWEEN CHILDREN AND PARENTS
We are all born dependent on others for our survival. Growing up with nurturing emotional bonds between family members is very important for the development of self-esteem. However, destructive attachments can develop between parents and children. For example, a single mother who tells her 5-year-old son: "you're never going to leave me like your dad did, are you?" Or she tells him: “everything I do, I do for you”, and “'what would I do without you, my love?

She is not a bad mother, and she has no bad intentions with what she says to her son. But without knowing it, she is using him as an emotional crutch. She is also not aware that in her son's mind an idea is being created that will complicate his whole life: "my mother's happiness depends on me, it is my responsibility."

As an adult, this man will suffer from a dependency on his mother and will have problems relating to other women, because emotionally he has become his mother's spouse. The same can happen with a daughter, who may also suffer from emotional dependency on her father. There are also those children who develop an exaggerated attachment to the whole family.

DEPENDENCY ON THE WHOLE FAMILY
If you have a partner with dependency on the whole family, your home is frequently invaded by his or her parents, siblings, in-laws, uncles, cousins and nephews. They are often inconsiderate, visiting you unannounced, quickly emptying your fridge, bringing nothing to share, and never knowing what the decent time (or day) to leave is. And your partner never establishes any limits.

Young man as juggler

All the above does not mean that with high self-esteem we do not have any dependencies. But we don't cling so strongly to them. For example, we do not allow ourselves to stay in dysfunctional family relationships. With our security anchored within, we are much more flexible and willing to let go of any of the external hooks when life demands it of us.

Now we understand that too strong attachments and dependencies to something or someone are signs of lack of self-esteem. They represent limiting aspects of our life that we must become aware of and eliminate if we want to grow and live with well-being. If we don't know how to let go, if we keep clinging to money, power, status, material possessions, routines, other people, or the absolute truth, we will get stuck, unable to move forward in life.

Do you notice any limiting dependency in your life that does not allow you to move forward as you want? If so, and you if can't let go of it, even if you've tried several times, don't wait to seek help. You need help to work on your self-esteem. Remember that you deserve to be happy!

Don´t forget to follow me on

Facebook
Linkedin

©2022 Jan Moller

helse

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.