Should it be that easy to have children?

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10/09/2022

Published by helse on 07/01/2023

Should it be that easy to have children?

In Norway, there are some vets who say that many people should never have had a dog. They recommend creating a certificate of approval for dog owners. That would mean that anyone who wants to acquire a dog must first pass a training program and obtain a certificate that demonstrates that they have the necessary knowledge and skills to be able to provide the dog with proper living conditions.

The background for this is an increase in the number of people being treated for dog bites in my country (Norway). And a dog that bites is a dog that has not had the proper upbringing. The reason for this deficient upbringing is - according to the veterinarians - ignorance among dog owners about what a dog actually needs and how to treat it so that it becomes a gentle and peaceful "man's best friend".

After almost 40 years as a medical doctor and psychotherapist, with experience in various countries and cultures, and despite the fact that I know that the vast majority of parents love their children and want the best for them, I need to ask the following questions:

• Do enough adults know what it means to create healthy conditions for children? Are there enough adults who know what conditions must exist in the family for children to develop a positive self-image and a healthy sense of self? Are they aware of how important high self-esteem is?

• Do enough adults know that a positive self-image is the most important prerequisite for facing life with strength and confidence and being able to master life's ups and downs, to set boundaries and build good relationships? (Because isn't that what we want to teach our children, and what we all want to be able to achieve as adults?)

• Do enough adults know what a child needs and how to treat it so that it becomes a friendly, positive, tolerant, fair, respectful, creative and happy adult? (Because isn't that what we want our children to become? - and isn't that the kind of adult we all want to be, and the kind of adult the world needs?)

What we know is that:

• Parents' behavior towards their children plays an important role in their mental health later in life.

• There is a clear connection between childhood stress and later psychological difficulties. There are few psychological and mental challenges in adulthood that cannot be attributed to the psycho-emotional environment of the family, daycare, and/or school.

• There is a clear connection between the number of negative childhood experiences and poorer mental and physical health. In the US, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) estimates that preventing Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) could potentially prevent up to 1.9 million cases of heart disease and 21 million cases of depression. Furthermore, for those who have many negative childhood experiences, life expectancy is reduced by a full 20 years.

• Children who grow up in a safe and predictable framework, and who learn to understand their feelings and how to manage them, develop higher self-esteem, good relationships with their friends, become more empathetic, and have better concentration skills.

• Teachers with a high degree of relational competence create collaborative and focused students, while teachers with low relational competence create complaining and restless students.

• A child can be loved without feeling loved. The vast majority of parents love their children, but many children do not feel loved, leading to the development of a negative self-image and low self-esteem.

It is easy to understand that traumatic events, or childhood neglect and abuse, make it impossible for a child to develop high self-esteem. But many are unaware of that the LACK OF GOOD THINGS , that is, the lack of unconditional love, positive affirmations, security, clear boundaries and healthy attachment in early childhood, can be as traumatizing as being exposed to abuse.

SHOULDN`T SOCIETY REQUIRE ADDITIONAL KNOWLEDGE AND SKILLS FROM THOSE WHO WANT TO BE PARENTS?

Upset african kids closing ears hurt by parents fighting

20 years ago I wrote the book "Self-Discovery, The Challenging Path to a Fulfilling Life" (IESA Editions 2005). In the chapter "Reflections" I allow myself to dream of a better world and I describe what I call "My ideal world". This world has, among others, the following characteristics:

1. All parents-to-be are offered an educational program that will earn them a "Parenting Certificate." (Those who are already parents can also participate). The program is not mandatory, but in order to motivate parents to acquire this "Paternity License", those who complete the course are offered attractive economic benefits, such as an education fund for each child, a significant tax reduction for several years and a salary as parents.

2. Being a parent is considered a privilege and an honour. Both the public sector and private businesses have created systems that allow mothers and fathers to alternate being at home for 3 years. Then the child starts kindergarden.

3. Teacher training on all levels, from kindergarden to high school, have strict admission criteria, where personal suitability and psychosocial (relational) competencies weigh the most. The same applies to the other professions that work with children.

4. The content of teacher training programs on all levels focuses on relational skills and includes many of the topics of the parenting certificate.

5. Teachers and all other professionals that deals with the upbringing, health and education of children are the most respected, and enjoy the highest status in society. They are also the best paid of all professionals.

Many people have long realized how importance of children's upbringing conditions. On 20 November 1989, the UN Convention on the Rights of Children was adopted. It was ratified by Norway on 8 January 1991, and applies as Norwegian law from 2003.

It says, among other things: "Children have the right to a standard of living that is sufficient in all areas. Parents or others who are responsible for the child have the basic responsibility for ensuring the living conditions necessary for the child's healthy development. The state has a duty to support the guardians".

In a recommendation from the Norwegian Government´s Finance Committee´s Distribution Report in 2011, it is stated: "Providing good developing conditions for children is one of the most important tasks in our society".

In Norway and several other countries, there are an increasing number of state, municipal and private initiatives to strengthen children's conditions through increased parental competence and increased relational competence of teachers and others who work with children. This trend should be strengthened to reach many more parents and professionals.

On a worldwide basis, the situation is deplorable. In 2014, UNICEF published the report "Hidden in Plain Sight". The results of a worldwide survey in 195 countries on the prevalence of violence against children are published there. It shows that an average of 60% of the world's children between the ages of 2 and 14, i.e. almost a billion children, are regularly victims of physical punishment and abuse by their guardians.

Only 63 countries in the world have laws that prohibit corporal punishment of children. (In 1979 there was only one country). The survey did not include the large group of children who are exposed to sexual, emotional and/or spiritual abuse - or those who are traumatized by neglect, war or hunger.

I agree with those who claim that the survival of our species largely depends on us ceasing to "produce" destructive adults who go to war and destroy the planet. But then we have to change the way children are "programmed".

And we know how this can be done: children must be met and seen in a way that "programs" them to value and love themselves. It is this self-love (healthy self-esteem) that is the source of true compassion, and therefore the foundation of a more humane society. ("Love thy neighbour (and the planet) as yourself").

Therefore, society should demand something more from those who want to have children and those who want to work with children. Alice Miller, a famous Swiss psychoanalyst and author, has said: "Nobody knows what the world would look like if we stopped humiliating children."

I myself am the father of 4 children and have experienced how difficult and challenging parenting can be. I have learned that it is important not to be overly concerned with "recipes" or to try to be "perfect" as parents, and that we also cannot protect our children from all bad things. But I have also learned that there are certain basic skills and knowledge that most of us are able to acquire that enables us to avoid the most common "mistakes" we often make with the best of intentions.

There is no doubt that you love your children, but have you made sure that they feel loved? Do you know the difference between conditional and unconditional love? Do you know that children feel safe when you set clear limits, but only if they are set with gentleness and love?

Do you want to prepare for parenthood, or do you already have children and want to learn more about parenting? - sign up for a parenting course! Or seek guidance! Many people think that attending a parenting course is a sign of weakness, that you are not good enough as a parent. The truth is the opposite: It takes strength to admit that you need to learn more!

And learn from your children. Let them become a source of self-exploration and personal development for yourself. What eventually made me a better father was not just increasing my knowledge of children's nature and their needs. Even more important was strengthening my own self-esteem with the help of psychotherapy and practicing mindfulness.

Finally, some basic tips to create a positive relationship with children:

• Show that you care
• Have tolerance for the child's difficult feelings
• Show interest in what interests the child/youth
• Help the child/youth learn to manage their emotions
• Recognize and praise the child's strengths and good behaviour
• Do things together
• Set limits with gentleness and love

I wish you all the best with your children!

©2023 Jan Moller

In Norway, there are some vets who say that many people should never have had a dog. They recommend creating a certificate of approval for dog owners. That would mean that anyone who wants to acquire a dog must first pass a training program and obtain a certificate that demonstrates that they have the necessary knowledge and skills to be able to provide the dog with proper living conditions.